"How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"

This weekend, I read a wonderfully honest book written by Dr. Henry Cloud (co-author of the oft-talked-about Boundaries books) called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. The title was, naturally, enough to make me pick it up, so I took it home and devoured all 235 pages in a single day.

His premise was intriguing. He made the argument that Christians tend to over-spiritualize the process of finding a mate, and that their dating lives are less effective as a result. He advocated a less fatalistic approach to dating-- in other words, going on as many dates as possible, even with people you would not normally consider marrying, as a learning experience.

What I took away from it, personally, is the challenge to "up my numbers," as Cloud puts it. I get stuck in ruts-- only seeing the same group of guys, only once in a while, and often not having enough interaction with them to warrant their asking me out. Cloud suggests making an effort to meet five new people every week, pointing out that even these brief, non-date interactions can help one build valuable skills when interacting with the opposite sex. It made me realize how little time I spend actually talking to guys (and people in general, really), and how much I could stand to learn. Admittedly, much of this could be practiced in group situations, at least to start. So I'm going to commit to making a greater effort in that area.

It was refreshing to read a book that talked about steps one could take towards finding Mr. Right, as opposed to what else one should be doing in the meantime. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I've just read a lot of those, and they tend to give similar (good) advice. As women, I think some of us could stand to take a little more responsibility for our lack of dates (I know I could!). Yes, we like it when men initiate, but if you're not out there and open to conversation, they'll never have a chance! Get out there. Be approachable. Smile. Be the first to say "hi" if you have to! (I'll have to take some of this advice myself-- I'm very shy around boys.)

Overall, I agreed with everything the author was saying. However, I worry about the feasibility of individuals trying to incorporate these principles into their own dating lives, within their church community. What would people think, for example, of a girl who went on dates with guys all the time and never settled down? Or a guy who tried asking out every other girl he met? In the book, Cloud describes singles he has successfully coached through the process, but it seems to me that for this sort of thing to work well, it would require an overhaul of the entire community's way of thinking:

It would require us, as a church, to stop viewing dating as nothing but a segue to marriage. We should view a date as just that-- a date. Not a proposal, not courtship. It should be viewed as what one of my small group leaders calls an "edification appointment." It should be a learning experience, during which we could mutually encourage and get to know our brothers and sisters in Christ.

It would require us, as women, to throw away our "lists"-- the set of requirements by which we judge every guy that comes our way. It's okay to pray for qualities we think we want in a man, but shouldn't our only set-in-stone requirement be that he be seeking after Christ? Why do we keep saying "no"? How do we know what kind of person we'll interact well with until we actually interact with them? Cloud advocates a one-date policy: go out with anyone once, maybe even twice. Imagine how much we could encourage our brothers in this way!

It would require men to stop tying their self-esteem to girls' responses to date invitations. Cloud warns that men should expect a lot of rejections-- not all girls will have adopted the one-date policy, sadly. But guys need to keep asking! And, not unlike the women, men need to start asking girls they would not normally ask. You never know until you try, right? She may surprise you. If nothing else, I assure you, if she's worth your time at all she'll be flattered by your invitation.

I'm going to get on my soapbox here for a minute, and I'm going to be harsh. This is just my experience, but here's what I've observed in my high school, my church, and many other venues: Guys ask out one or two girls who, for whatever reason, are their first picks among the crowd. (Not just by their looks, necessarily; personality and confidence may very well be bigger factors.) Often these girls are the first pick of many guys, and they understandably become overwhelmed with invitations. They get choosy, and start doling out rejections. Having tied their self-worth to the responses of these girls, the men are devastated and stop asking girls out. How would I know? I've heard from too many guys who have given up.

The choosy girls teach other girls that they need to be choosy, perpetuating the cycle of rejection. The ones who never get any dates at all sometimes decide that "beggars can't be choosers," and as a result they're not choosy enough, and give their whole hearts to any man who looks their way once. Often they end up in a long-term relationship with someone who just wants to use them, and their hearts are eventually broken.

It saddens me to no end. Every week, I hear the same words out of frustrated single women who feel unattractive and unnoticed, and see the same tears in their eyes that I myself have cried. I don't get to talk to men often enough, to hear their side of things, but I imagine it's just as heartbreaking to hear how some women stomp all over them whenever they risk opening their hearts.

I wish that there was an easy way to break the cycle. Wouldn't it help if we could all just take the pressure off?

Guys, don't give your hearts away to every girl you ask.

Girls, don't give your hearts away to the first guy who asks you.

Guys, be bold. Ask us.

Girls, be kind. Say yes.

It's just a date.