To Wear or Not to Wear

I’ve probably spent the last half hour staring at myself in the mirror.

I like the outfit I’m wearing. It’s nothing special, really… Black skirt, gray and black top, elastic belt, mary jane heels. It gives me a nice-looking figure while still being modest.

But I don’t feel completely comfortable in it. My head buzzes with all sorts of rationale to just take it off and put on some jeans. No one I know really wears this kind of stuff. The skirt’s a little too 50’s, and why am I wearing a skirt anyway? People might look at me. People might notice me.

For me, it takes courage to dress up and look cute. The majority of my closet is still t-shirts and jeans, because it wasn’t so long ago that those were the only things I would wear. Even in them I might have felt too conspicuous, depending what was on the shirt. I can’t bring myself to throw them all away; they’re like a bunch of security blankets just waiting for me to chicken out and try to be invisible again.

For some girls, it takes courage to dress comfortably, or go outside without any makeup. Maybe their mothers have criticized too much, maybe their boyfriends have been less-than-pleased when they look less-than-perfect, maybe other girls have snickered at them. For them, makeup is a mask, expensive clothes are camoflage.

What would you wear if no one else in the world existed? I think I’d wear some pretty ridiculous outfits. Then again, there might be other days when I didn’t feel like putting in the effort, and I’d just slap on a t-shirt and some jeans. I think it’s cool to feel comfortable in both.

In college, I always envied the girls who showed up to class everyday in some cute outfit. But somehow, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to do the same. I wasn’t thin enough, wasn’t pretty enough, and no matter how much I played dress-up in front of my dorm room mirror, I was never brave enough to open the door and step outside looking like that.

I’m trying to break the habit. I’m going to wear this outfit today, and force myself to work through the discomfort. What’s the worst that could happen? People might raise an eyebrow or two, or judge me in their heads, but why should I care? I think I look cute.

(Just a side note: I hang out around awesome people, and more often than not they tell me that they like the way I dress. My insecurities are largely unfounded, as many insecurities are.)

What thoughts go through your head when you get dressed? Have you ever talked yourself out of wearing something that you like?

I Trust You, But...

Trusting God (the concept of "surrender," for those of you who speak Christian-ese) has always been my biggest struggle.

To be sure, I've had plenty of sin in my life. But having grown up in a conservative Christian home, what not to do was always the easy part to figure out-- it was everything I knew I'd get in trouble for. But what to do, as a dedicated follower of Christ, was never quite as clear. (It also contradicts my nature, as I am quite a lazy person.)

Surrendering our lives to God was one of the things that would come up occasionally in sermons I had listened to, and it was always a topic that mystified me. It wasn't something that could be easily measured, like whether or not I had quiet time every day or even how often my thoughts would wander while I was singing worship songs. They could teach me the benefits of surrendering things to God, like the peace that comes as a result of not having to worry. But what does one actually do? I quickly discovered that simply saying, "God, I surrender my life to You" doesn't really work.

Come to find out, of course, that learning to trust God is a long process. And we could almost always learn to trust Him more deeply.

I'll use my singleness as an example. In high school, I didn't trust God with it at all. Sometimes, I refused even to pray about it, fearing that He wouldn't want me to have a boyfriend. I maneuvered myself as best I could to grab the attention of the boy I liked. When it didn't work, I blamed God and got angry.

In college, I made more of an effort to surrender my dating life (or lack thereof) to Him. I gave up on boys completely, telling myself that God could work miracles, and any guy who was worth my time would pursue me instead of the other way around. While both of those things might have been true, I still hadn't learned how to be truly content while I was waiting. I was proving to myself that I could live without having a guy to obsess over, which was great, but deep down I still harbored quite a bit of resentment against God for not bringing me my knight in shining armor.

More recently, God has been teaching me how to find my satisfaction in Him. I still don't completely understand how to make that work, but it involves things like finding my identity in Christ, seeing myself as His bride until He sends me an earthly husband, and realizing that He loves me and accepts me and wants me to accept myself. That, too, is a learning process.

As far as my relationship status goes, it still pains me that no guy has ever asked me out on a date. And I figured that since there was nothing wrong, per se, with getting upset about it once in a while, I would just continue to do so until I got my first boyfriend. My prayers go a lot like this:

"Lord, I lay my desire for a husband on Your altar. I trust You with my future spouse, knowing that You have what's best for me. I want to wait until You bring the right person into my life... But God, I'm really really REALLY lonely in the meantime and I would appreciate it SO MUCH if You'd bring him just a little faster!!! Maybe tomorrow??... if it is Your will, of course. Amen."

There's nothing wrong with asking Him for a relationship, or asking Him to bring it faster. Sometimes He will answer that prayer. But if He doesn't, there must be some reason, maybe one we won't be able to see. In my case, I think He's asking more of me. To stop saying, "I trust You, but."

Surrendering to God is taking every thought captive. And guess what? Doing so is much more for our benefit than for His. Dwelling on the things we don't have disrupts the peace and satisfaction we find in God. And let's be honest... it hurts!

Today, for the first time, I closed my eyes and said, "I trust You," without adding any qualifiers. The "but's" quickly came to mind, of course, but I held them at bay. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I wasn't being dishonest with God, either, or feeling like I was just pretending... For that moment, at least, I was letting it be true, not allowing myself to think about or even feel discontentment. It took all my powers of concentration, but it gave me a sense of peace I'd like to have all the time.

I think that peace could be mine, with a little more practice.

Okay, probably a lot more practice.

"How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"

This weekend, I read a wonderfully honest book written by Dr. Henry Cloud (co-author of the oft-talked-about Boundaries books) called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. The title was, naturally, enough to make me pick it up, so I took it home and devoured all 235 pages in a single day.

His premise was intriguing. He made the argument that Christians tend to over-spiritualize the process of finding a mate, and that their dating lives are less effective as a result. He advocated a less fatalistic approach to dating-- in other words, going on as many dates as possible, even with people you would not normally consider marrying, as a learning experience.

What I took away from it, personally, is the challenge to "up my numbers," as Cloud puts it. I get stuck in ruts-- only seeing the same group of guys, only once in a while, and often not having enough interaction with them to warrant their asking me out. Cloud suggests making an effort to meet five new people every week, pointing out that even these brief, non-date interactions can help one build valuable skills when interacting with the opposite sex. It made me realize how little time I spend actually talking to guys (and people in general, really), and how much I could stand to learn. Admittedly, much of this could be practiced in group situations, at least to start. So I'm going to commit to making a greater effort in that area.

It was refreshing to read a book that talked about steps one could take towards finding Mr. Right, as opposed to what else one should be doing in the meantime. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I've just read a lot of those, and they tend to give similar (good) advice. As women, I think some of us could stand to take a little more responsibility for our lack of dates (I know I could!). Yes, we like it when men initiate, but if you're not out there and open to conversation, they'll never have a chance! Get out there. Be approachable. Smile. Be the first to say "hi" if you have to! (I'll have to take some of this advice myself-- I'm very shy around boys.)

Overall, I agreed with everything the author was saying. However, I worry about the feasibility of individuals trying to incorporate these principles into their own dating lives, within their church community. What would people think, for example, of a girl who went on dates with guys all the time and never settled down? Or a guy who tried asking out every other girl he met? In the book, Cloud describes singles he has successfully coached through the process, but it seems to me that for this sort of thing to work well, it would require an overhaul of the entire community's way of thinking:

It would require us, as a church, to stop viewing dating as nothing but a segue to marriage. We should view a date as just that-- a date. Not a proposal, not courtship. It should be viewed as what one of my small group leaders calls an "edification appointment." It should be a learning experience, during which we could mutually encourage and get to know our brothers and sisters in Christ.

It would require us, as women, to throw away our "lists"-- the set of requirements by which we judge every guy that comes our way. It's okay to pray for qualities we think we want in a man, but shouldn't our only set-in-stone requirement be that he be seeking after Christ? Why do we keep saying "no"? How do we know what kind of person we'll interact well with until we actually interact with them? Cloud advocates a one-date policy: go out with anyone once, maybe even twice. Imagine how much we could encourage our brothers in this way!

It would require men to stop tying their self-esteem to girls' responses to date invitations. Cloud warns that men should expect a lot of rejections-- not all girls will have adopted the one-date policy, sadly. But guys need to keep asking! And, not unlike the women, men need to start asking girls they would not normally ask. You never know until you try, right? She may surprise you. If nothing else, I assure you, if she's worth your time at all she'll be flattered by your invitation.

I'm going to get on my soapbox here for a minute, and I'm going to be harsh. This is just my experience, but here's what I've observed in my high school, my church, and many other venues: Guys ask out one or two girls who, for whatever reason, are their first picks among the crowd. (Not just by their looks, necessarily; personality and confidence may very well be bigger factors.) Often these girls are the first pick of many guys, and they understandably become overwhelmed with invitations. They get choosy, and start doling out rejections. Having tied their self-worth to the responses of these girls, the men are devastated and stop asking girls out. How would I know? I've heard from too many guys who have given up.

The choosy girls teach other girls that they need to be choosy, perpetuating the cycle of rejection. The ones who never get any dates at all sometimes decide that "beggars can't be choosers," and as a result they're not choosy enough, and give their whole hearts to any man who looks their way once. Often they end up in a long-term relationship with someone who just wants to use them, and their hearts are eventually broken.

It saddens me to no end. Every week, I hear the same words out of frustrated single women who feel unattractive and unnoticed, and see the same tears in their eyes that I myself have cried. I don't get to talk to men often enough, to hear their side of things, but I imagine it's just as heartbreaking to hear how some women stomp all over them whenever they risk opening their hearts.

I wish that there was an easy way to break the cycle. Wouldn't it help if we could all just take the pressure off?

Guys, don't give your hearts away to every girl you ask.

Girls, don't give your hearts away to the first guy who asks you.

Guys, be bold. Ask us.

Girls, be kind. Say yes.

It's just a date.

Prayer for This Blog

Lord, give me words to write this prayer.
 
I want You to be the center of this blog. Let Your words be my words. Speak to the needs of anyone who happens to come across it. I pray for my future readers, that they might grab some tiny blessing out of my posts to help them through their day.
 
I call out to You today not expecting anything out of myself, but hopeful, choosing to believe in Your promise that You will be seen more strongly through my weaknesses than out of my strengths. Today, I don’t feel like I can do this. But I’m going to take that step of faith anyway, so I pray that You will bless it, if it is Your Will.

Help me stay open to ideas.  Help me be open to criticism, too. Knock me down if I get prideful. Send people to correct me if I speak anything but truth.

Be with me on this journey. I want to learn more about You through this process. Give me confidence in myself, in how You made me, in the unique messages You have given me to say. Help me grow in You. I want more of You. I pray that my readers would be as hungry and thirsty as I am, and that You would meet them here, too.

Help me encourage other young women like myself, women who are insecure, who feel like a character in someone else’s story. Help me show them that they are beautiful. Help me show them that You love them. And help me show them that they are each the heroine of their own Great Adventure.

Help me show them (and learn for myself!) that finding a husband is not the most important (or best) thing that will ever happen to them. No matter what our culture has led us to believe.

Help me encourage young men, too, as they seek You on their own journeys. Help me be open and transparent, so they may get a glimpse into one woman’s heart and soul. But also, guide me and help me to watch my words, so that I only share as much as You want me to.

I give this blog to You. Let it be Yours, not mine.

In Jesus’ Name,
Amen.